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February 11, 2011 / thegirlwhotooktheleap

Searching for Permanence

I love my room in Manila. Being the homebody that I am, I have probably spent the most time in the Philippines being in my room than any other place for 21 whole years. It is my comfort zone, and I feel safe there. It’s one of my happy places. When I moved to China last 2009, the first few weeks was a big adjustment for me. It was my first time to be away from my family and my first time to share a room with a roomate and live at a dorm, but it was a great experience. On my 2nd semester my roomate and I moved to an apartment close to school. It was at that time that I met Timmy and those were the happiest months of my life. Then when Timmy left China, my roomate and I also left that apartment and moved to another one closer to the city. In that apartment I stayed for a whole year, up until I had to go home to fix my visa stuff last December. So I’ve been back home here in my room for about 3 months now, and I am getting ready to leave yet again..

To sum it up I have moved around 4 times in the past 2 years, and it has taken its toll on me. I’ve misplaced a lot of stuff, I’ve had to leave a lot of things behind, and packing/unpacking is NOT fun.. It is physically and emotionally draining because its difficult to keep leaving all the time, its hard not to get attached, and I am kind of tired of living this gypsy lifestyle. I was always the type to plan out my life, the type who wants everything clear and certain, but for the past two years my life has been anything but certain. I am always left to wonder, what’s next for me? I just never know what lies ahead.

But now I know that when I leave in two weeks, one thing will be certain.. and that is the fact that I will always have my Timmy. I know that even though we don’t know where we will live (we are staying with his family first until we finish my AOS and I get my green card, and once I find out whether I made it to grad school or not), and we though we may not really know what lies ahead for us both with the army, with deployment… at least now I know that whatever it is I go through, I am no longer alone, and whatever problems, blessings, trials and joys I go through, we will endure it and celebrate together.

I’ve always associated security with my room, but I’ve had it wrong all along.. All I need is my Timmy, and wherever we end up, that will be my home. I can’t wait to experience life with Timmy, I know that each uncertainty we face we can face together and we will make it, because we love each other and because we build each other up. Whenever I am with Timmy, things somehow feel okay, things somehow don’t feel so bad, but when he leaves all of a sudden everything is wrong again.. I know he feels the same way. This is why I know Timmy is the one, because even in the direst of circumstances we still manage to make the most of it. Everything just looks better and brighter when we’re together, and together we can and we will conquer the world.

I can’t wait to be with you again, my baby.. I love you so much.

So for the time being, no more Skype, and no more airport goodbyes…


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  1. timmy / Feb 11 2011 6:26 pm

    baby you’ve been a nomad for the past few years!!! but now you’re coming to be with the same person you’re gonna spend the rest of your life with, and we’re gonna find you such a nice place to hang your hat and headband for a really long time šŸ™‚

    baby you’re so brave to be going so far away, i cant believe you’re doing this all for me, just to be with me…it makes me so so very happy baby. I can still remember you calling me while i was on my first ftx in benning, crying and saying that you’re coming over as soon as you can…baby you are just incredible baby…

    a whole year has gone by since we said goodbye to each other in shanghai, not knowing what would happen between then and now…if we could see how far we’ve come and what we’ve done for each other, we’d both be so proud each other šŸ™‚

    i love you my precious angel…i cant wait to start my life with you baby…

    your timmy

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